The Village – A Collective of People Who Care with Kile Adumene

Transcript (lightly edited for clarity)

Beth Tener

Hello, welcome back to the Living Love podcast. My name is Beth Tener. Our theme for this podcast is The Village: A Collective of People Who Care. In US culture, we prize rugged individualism and mobility and leaving home. But there’s a shadow side to this, like everything, there’s good and bad. With so much focus on the self, we discount the health of our relationships. When we focus so much on productivity and achievement, we leave little time for building community. Mobility moves us away from being rooted in place over time, with relationships that can really deepen and grow.

For me, one story of this happening (and there are many stories) I grew up in a neighborhood where I actually had a good sense of belonging, I had friends nearby and I was lucky enough to live in the same house most of my whole childhood. We knew our neighbors by name. Then I graduated from high school and went to a small college that was about a mile square area. You walked everywhere. It was easy to have a big group of friends that you got to know over the years. In the dorm life, you could just walk across the hall and see your friends or see them in the dining hall and have classes together. I loved the ease of social connection, care and friendships. I loved that camaraderie of college life.

When I graduated, I moved to the city to Boston. Actually, a lot of that dissipated just through how life was structured. I moved into a neighborhood with a roommate outside Boston and our neighbors, everyone kind of kept to themselves. You might have a couple superficial chats at the garden or something. But there weren’t shared meals, everyone cooked at their own house. Then in the work world, I got into consulting, so I was traveling a lot. With the pace of work and this productivity and professionalism, with so much work to be done and emails, often people just ate at their desks. I recognized how the productivity really meant that the relationships, there’s just less time or space for those.

I’ve seen it, how people can work alongside each other for years and hardly know them. We can be around people, but we’re lonely.

I recognize I was following the path of the American Dream, doing what you’re supposed to do to be successful. And it ends up in a place where a lot of us are feeling pretty lonely and isolated. And then we add that, of course, the pandemic and all that social isolation. In an article that I’ll put in the show notes about loneliness, it mentions that a health insurer in 2019, which of course was before the pandemic, found at that point that 61% of Americans reported feeling lonely. Jeremy Nobel, a lecturer at Harvard School of Public Health, who teaches a course on loneliness, recognized three different types of loneliness:

• One is like interpersonal, “do I have a friend? Do I have someone I could tell my troubles to?”
• Another is existential loneliness, “how do I fit into the universe? Does my life have any meaning or purpose, or mission?” (I found that I know in that transition from college, to work life, just feeling all of a sudden, like I’m a cog in this big machine, and what is the point here?) “Those kinds of questions,” he said, “particularly 18 to 24 year olds, studies have shown are the loneliest group in the country.” What is the meaning and purpose of our life? And I think that’s again, you can’t just figure that out by yourself. You have to have that within place, a context, what’s your role from your ancestors to your descendants, but we don’t think that way very much.
• The third one he mentions is what he called societal loneliness. “if I enter a room, is my arrival both anticipated and welcomed?” The article states “this is made worse through racism. But it goes beyond race, class and gender preference, it can affect anyone who’s subject to exclusion, including people who don’t meet the beauty norms, people with disabilities, even many older adults, society, systematically excludes people often.”

Coming back to the theme of the podcast, how do we live in a way that generates more love and changes these patterns? We don’t want to just analyze them and think about what’s missing. How do we take actions to restore what’s missing? How do we build relationships and friendships?

I think, to that last point, one of the things we can all invest in is start to build relationships with people from different races and cultures. If we inherited these systems of segregation and division, any one of us can start to break them down by forming new friendships. And particularly finding people who grew up outside our culture outside the US culture. That’s where I’m speaking from today. And recognize that, we’re social animals, humans have found many ways to live in community and care for each other. And there’s thousands of years of human experience and tradition beyond the branch of the US of the human experience, that is my culture. So, what can we learn?

I want to return to this idea of the village and the scale of love and community at the village level, that in many ways in our modern life has gotten dissipated. How do we recreate the patterns of healthy human interaction as a village? What does it mean to create a home where we feel at home and are part of and participating in a community. I found meeting people who came from a more indigenous upbringing, like from a culture that had stayed rooted on the land of the land of their ancestors, in a multi-generational cultural tradition, with values of community and village, that there’s a whole set of experiences and a way they see the world and set of ideas that I sense I was missing out on.

I am excited to talk today with Kile Adumene, who grew up in that kind of place in Nigeria. And she’s lived it. And she can speak to the differences from growing up in Nigeria, and then living in the States for 20 years. We’re going to talk about the patterns of the village, and what are the experiences, the ways of interacting the values. Kile is doing wonderful work in her community using this metaphor of the village to look at how to bring grassroots and community people together to make a thriving community.

Beth Tener

Hello, Kile. This is the second part of the Living Love podcast that I’ll be recording in conversation with Kile Adumene, who is a friend of mine, and someone who I have learned so much from. We have a tradition of talking every week, and we get talking about life and all kinds of things.

Kile Adumene

Welcome you are thank you so much, Beth. Yes, there’s been a kind of a check in every week have led the two of us to build this relationship that have allowed us to get to know one another and feel connected, which is funny because we are started during the years of the pandemic. Who ever imagined that you can build tangible connection and feel connected in the pandemic fear zone? But, every outlet of that allows that human connection or half can yield to a desirable outcome of really connecting with one member.

Beth Tener

I’d like to start by just asking you as someone who has lived in America about what 20 years and coming here from Nigeria, what are some of the things that were different and we’re talking today about restoring the village so love to hear. Maybe you can start by talking about the village or how that’s been a theme in your life.

Kile Adumene

I am actually celebrating my 24th year of being in America this February. I grew up in what I always describe a village. The sense was of having a community that was organized and it was safe to talk amongst each other. Everything was kind of a collective approach to issues of our community.

I remember an example living in the village growing up in Nigeria, every Saturday as a little girl, I  carried food on my head to distribute around town, to the widows who have no husband or children, and those who have some form of disability. I remember one of them who was blind. She depended on me, a little girl, to bring food. Saturday was my time because I don’t have school. And then you cook. My family always cooked a big meal, so that someone will show up anytime. There was always that room for those who need that.

Beth Tener

You saying to me, like when you came to America, you were not at all used to cooking for one or two people.

Kile Adumene

It was a big cultural shock. For me. I remember the first time I had all this meal and delicious things. And I’m sitting there like, “is somebody going show up at my door? What do I do with all this?” What did I do without this food and, I cried. “Oh my God, nobody’s coming.” But then I get smarter. So I’ll call people “I’m cooking this meal, come over.” So it was exciting to have people that will come and we sit around the table and share the meal. Because it was just looking for that collective sense of support and belonging and care. Some times, you have to invent something.

But I do believe that when we look back in history, even history of the USA, there’s some aspect of village living that exist. Perhaps it’s just for a few affinity groups, or that higher class or low income. But how can we restore the village – making more of a broader collective where everyone, whatever your status and money wise and skin color, we can all come together? And support each other and care for each other?

Beth Tener

I like what you said about we have to invent something. The heart of your story, you really started with the food. I totally agree. Food and breaking bread, we know is such a way to connect people and cooking together. I think this is an experience where like all the convenience of modern life, and this huge commercial economy that gives us packaged food and fast food and nice restaurant food and such convenience, but we miss the gathering at the table and the connectedness of that.

I want to bring us back to a new thread. When you and I get into conversations, we often talk about how community handles things when someone does something wrong. In the Western culture in the US, we have a very big emphasis on the criminal justice system and police and prosecutors. When someone does a crime, the person is often taken out of the community right into prison or punished. And the same even in workplaces. You mess up and you’re fired. So this idea that we exile, move people out of the community. What I’ve learned talking with you, there’s another way: what we might call restorative justice or transformative justice and you lived that. What did that look like?

Kile Adumene

Growing up in the in the family that was in a leadership position in the town I’ve seen that some people come into our compound, come into the town hall, and gather around issues. Before the police can arrest any member of the town, they have to bring that person to my father.

Beth Tener

And he was the tribal chief, right?

Kile Adumene

Yes.  They bring them to plead their case why they will arrest that person. There was no notion of the bad egg being taken away from the good folks. I remember, my Dad said, “Thank you.” Maybe the individual was engaged in fighting or he stole something from someone. But they were never released to the police to be jailed or thrown in prison. Because again, the community wants to sit with them, to hear them out – to facilitate that process of reconciliation and restorative justice.

There was never like a bad egg. You’re on your own too bad. To me, that sense of a collective, holding that space for connectedness of all people to learn, explore, work together, that builds the experience of that sense of belonging and support. How can I find that, knowing that I will never be cast out? I belong to a village that I will never send away. I will never graduate.

I had a lot of young people who have encouraged to be in after school programs. I went on to in this program, I graduated I turned 18. I turned 21. There’s nothing out there for me. So I see young folks left alone by the side, because there’s none of that village approach, right where they are maintained for the rest of their lives, where they, yes, get supported, and continue to invest and support others.

Beth Tener

In the US, you live in a medium sized city in New Hampshire. You’ve been a mother of four kids in the school system. And then in healthcare, you’ve seen a lot. And you helped create this organization, which I’d love you to tell us about in the village idea is at its heart. How would you explain the what you saw lacking? Or what was the motivation for that?

Kile Adumene

Having lived through my experiences, I understand that’s perhaps why this notion of an individual, you know, the individualistic mindset, has destroyed that village. In our speech, we say it takes a village. I’ve been wondering, I’ve struggled on my own to navigate the system, for my kids and for myself. And I continue to wonder, is there a village here? How can we activate the village, or recreate restore the village kind of living, so that one doesn’t feel alone, navigating the system? So that we can promote and hold that space together for the collective, and not just elevate one person, as the hero.

I see a whole lot of people navigate a system, they arrive somewhere, and then we elevate them. You see them on the news “Oh my God, this is the good story.” Let’s find those good stories. And that bothers me. Because if we have a village story, it is the story of the collective and how folks come together, navigate a system and support each other.

This is what inspired me to to start the organization called Manchester Community Action Coalition (MCAC). To be a place where can actually again come together and we restore that village, the village of a collective of people who care, who are there to support one another.

Beth Tener

Before we get to hearing about MCAC, I want to pick up on what you said who we elevate. I agree, I think we tend to do a lot with shining a light on the individual and telling the story as the one hero or the one successful person… the first black woman and the first Asian man to when we do… We lose sight of the whole system around them. It’s great that they’ve gotten there, but how do we look at the whole system of what contributes to things?

One of the things I’m seeing more is people working in collaboration is focus on kind of a whole system of care, you might call it. So instead of just saying, “Oh, here’s the one” (some kid that got through and got to college,) let’s instead look at the whole way we help first generation students learn the system, understand when how to apply to college, how to prepare their grades, their coursework, financial aid and SATs. If their parents didn’t go to college, they don’t know this system. How can we be smart about adding in those system navigators? I know you’ve done some of that in your work. So I agree that we have to think about not just celebrating individuals, but honoring the whole system.

One of your visions that you’re working on is a different kind of community organization that is trying to put the idea of village at the center. Can you tell us a little bit about your organization that you’ve co-founded in in Manchester? How does the spirit of village figure into it?

Kile Adumene

The idea here is to recreate the idea of a village living and put love, collective care, in the center, in the front of what we do. Once we know when we have that support, when we feel connected, when we work together, there’s all this phrase, together stronger. It really takes a village. If one of our members is suffering, it takes a village to support that particular person. When you feel that sense of belonging, you feel that there’s people who actually are genuine care about, that you can talk to…

We are talking about mental health, the sense of isolation, sense of frustration, the sense of nobody knows me, nobody care, I’m invisible. When you feel more connected and know there’s help, there’s people that you can go talk to. How can we recreate that? And what does it mean, to kind of center that kind of leadership? And build can recreate that relational, collective leadership –  where there is an  increasing sense of responsibility, accountability, and that sense of love, so we can move together and move away from “Oh, hey, guys, I’m here, I’m coming to do to you over there. I have this one too, sprinkle on you and then I come back another time, or maybe somebody else will come back. So stay right there.” To shift that narrative to “ yes, we can do it together. Let’s go figure it out.”

Beth Tener

Kile, I agree thinking about the mental health part. If the question is, how do we make sure there’s someone that you can talk to, I feel like we can design for that. In the trauma informed movement in schools and other places, they’re starting to look at that. For example, let’s be clear on which kids we know are struggling. They will dedicate a teacher to make sure they check in with that student in the morning and at the end of the day, like “I see you, how’s it going?” and not your teacher, not an authority figure, but just someone caring about them. I think there’s a lot we can do to start designing for that.

One part of that is coming out of view the world as transactional, and just a project, program, checklist and list of things to get done. Of course, we need to accomplish in that way. But we can also be looking at what’s the quality of the community and the relational space around how we do the work. That is  what we heard in the previous podcast with Libby Hoffman.

It reminds me one of the things a colleague of mine, Paul Lipke, used to always say, as his way to stay oriented, that the quality of the relationship I have with this person is more important than the success of this particular thing at the moment. It served to get it in right order and it was a good reminder.

Coming back to what you were saying about the sense of belonging, and how do we create the feeling for people that others genuinely care about them? What is it that really creates that bond of love and care where people feel at home and that they have their place? I’d love you to speak about that.

Kile Adumene

One thing that promotes village connection or human connection is authentic relationship. How do we show up authentically and actually have an honest conversation so we are not hiding anything? Make believe stories or hiding can destroy that our ability to create that connection with one another. Living in love means means you have a lot of grace, love means that you have a no-judgment zone, you come alongside everyone.

I think there’s that piece of cultural piece that we have to work through. Showing this love and expressing it in a way that feel authentic, when we are building their community and be aware that no one is perfect. Building a connection with other people does not require that people be perfect. Take away that notion that if you fail, that we get rid of the bad egg. That’s probably why we throw people into prison. We can populate that prison place and build more. And still the bad eggs are still around because we are all bad eggs.

How do we recognize that we are all bad eggs? Throwing out the bad eggs is a delusion because there’s nothing like that. It doesn’t promote that sense of living love creating a village where people cares, people feel belong.

Beth Tener

I’m with you. How do we make sure we grow more good eggs, right? I loved how you said “ love means that you’re there and that you endure, and that we bring a lot of grace.” The idea that we bring grace, and we’re alongside everyone. Picking up on some of what I talked about earlier with the theme of mobility, it’s easy in our culture, when I’m running into conflict, and it’s difficult, to say “I’m just going to leave that job or move away from my family. I realized on YouTube, you can go find videos about how to cut off your family, or the ease of just ghosting a person and just like I can’t deal with you anymore. We see it in cancel culture. But the thing you’re talking about is how do you hang in there and build the connection and be with the people even when we make mistakes? And I’m putting myself in this basket, like it’s so easy to avoid the conflict.

I think people in cultures where they are really rooted in place have stuff to teach, because they had to work it out, whereas if we if we can pick up and leave, we might not have built those skills and muscles. So how do we not just drop people? How do we stay in relationship? I think it’s such an important question.

So Kile, another topic that you and I talk a lot about is the topic of generosity. I think in the modern consumer economy, we focus so much on buying and selling and there’s not a kind of a warm generosity of not keeping track just like free flowing, give and take. When I hear about what your neighborhoods and what your culture was like in Nigeria, it just feels like that’s such a core principle. And you often talk about nature, just going back to how nature works.

Kile Adumene

Being able to appreciate we’ve been given so much. When you wake up in the morning, appreciate this song, even when it’s snowing this look so in other so why is this coming? It is cold, but there’s still life. Look at nature, learn from the universe, learn from nature, that is freely given the air we breathe is freely given to all of us. People have to put a nametag to apportion free things. Part of the beach that is closed because it is a private. The ocean is right there! Nobody created the ocean but the access to it is restricted.

The constructed ownership of the free universe has gotten us to a place of excluding some people from getting access to what nature, to what the universe had given to everyone freely. There might be some argument that “oh, yeah, we, I own this place, because I want to maintain it, I want to care take” –  whatever the reason might be, but we need to be aware that we are excluding. We are creating that division, and creating that barrier, excluding other people from benefiting from what is freely given to all of us because we put in a name tag on it.

I remember a lake in Nigeria that has a British man’s name on it. Yeah. So how that British man discovered a lake…

 Beth Tener

It was always there.

Kile Adumene

Yeah, there was no name tag on it, because it was for the village, it was for everyone. But then the European man come, because Nigeria was colonized by the British. And now, the British man can own the lake. So this whole notion of ownership of what is freely available…how do we think about sharing life in a way that be aware of our privilege to access to some things more than other people, and be freely sharing that?

It’s across the board of our institution, church, school, everything is of the human mind. This idea that I’m not going to give you anything. The kid needs a computer. And someone said, I had a computer sitting here, but until you figure out how to give me a credit for releasing the computer to this child that needs it, then I will not give it. So the child needs to suffer from not getting a computer because the individual that has the computer needs this credit.

I lived in the US more than I’ve lived in Nigeria, I don’t believe there’s a scarcity of anything. I believe that the scarcity that we have is discussed at about minds.

Beth Tener

Yes, this idea that if we’re going to give, we have to get credit, “ Okay, I’ll give you this donation, but my name needs to be mentioned, it needs to be on the building, I need a tax receipt.” It’s that same kind of transactional way of interacting as if there’s not enough resource. I think about it with nature  – nature just flows rain everywhere, right? There’s are no credits and all that. Some of the philanthropy is going, like MacKenzie Scott, who is Jeff Bezos ex-wife, she is fast trying to give away billions. It is like “give the money out, move the money,” right? Give the money, the places where it’s accumulated, and people have a ton of wealth. Take away all these requirements and everything and just move the money, right?

Can you give us a story with MCAC, the Manchester Communitiy Action Coalition? How does that look, in practice? What did you do with people in your communities to try to reawaken this way of living and being together?

Kile Adumene

I would say the notion here is “let’s hold this space, to learn, right to talk to share our stories. Let’s hold this space, to care about each of us to learn from each other and teach each other.” We hold that space to share our stories among us. The majority of folks are newcomers that are longing for a collective space, the immigrants from various countries. MCAC is an attempt to rally restore that village for those in America and helping folks. This has always been a way of life for everyone to thrive, and also restoring that village space for the newcomers to really blend right into it and be supported so they can quickly get on their feet and learn what they need to navigate the system and not be alone like I was.

Beth Tener

What are some of the community led ideas and programs that came out of MCAC?

Kile Adumene

We started in February 2020. A timely moment – a couple months after that there was the shutdown and the remote lettings. We held town halls every two week where community members were encouraged to come and share their stories of the pandemic and the shutdown. We started up to hold space, not to provide services. We needed to hold the space where people come together and share and then inform whatever solution and changes that is needed.

At that time, the outcry was horrible. They needed to provide some kind of academic support for the kids. The parents, essential workers, were forced to be at home and couldn’t do it all. They have been excluded in the first place to be in their children’s learnings with the school. There was no nice school community parent engagement process in place. So the first initiative that we took was creating a virtual tutoring program. We went and recruited volunteers that were able to meet with the students and the families and supported them throughout that time. We’ve been doing that for three years.

We know that childcare is a big problem. It’s always been. So we are having the conversation. A lot of folks are not in the workforce because they cannot get childcare. I grew up in Nigeria, where childcare was provided by community members, your neighbors, your friends, your families. And so again, talking about that village approach to all our needs and solutions, right? Folks want to know, what does care mean, what are my priorities. People distrust  the system, so they don’t want to just throw their kids with some strangers. Who is caring for your children?

How can they be part of his solution and design the system or childcare that meets their needs, that gives them that sense of safety and support?

Beth Tener

This past weekend, I was there visiting with Kile at this science museum where they do the tutoring program with the children. There were volunteers there helping out the kids and the adults were having this child care dialogue. It was wonderful to see these women having a chance over weeks to get to know each other and have that system-navigating happening. People were there who knew what it took to  build your own childcare business and they were teaching people the ropes of this is what’s needed. Depending on what you want to do, here’s how you can fit in.

Seeing that in practice was beautiful. And of course, there was a ton of really good home cooked food by Kile. You could see this manifestation of the village right there and embedded within an old mill building that had become a science museum. They were bringing these young new Americans and young kids of color into the science museum who didn’t always get access to those spaces.

What you’re trying to do with MCAC I think holds an imprint of a model that can be used in other places as well. You could feel the commitment of those women to take the ideas and possibilities that were coming out of that space forward in their own lives. It will be great to circle back to you in a future podcast and see how that all goes. So thanks for including me in that.

Beth Tener

We talk a lot about how in America, we have a lot of divisions and segregation between people of color and white people and a pretty awful history around that. I would be curious, back to the question of trying to live into what’s healthy… what could different pathways look like to reintegrate or to come into relationships? That’s not white savior? Or worse oppression? What does it look like when you come into an authentic relationship as you talk to or you also mentioned, this idea of relating alongside each other in each other’s growth? How can people relate to heal the past and create a better future in our communities across these divides?

Kile Adumene

In the US, there’s this post traumatic experiences that both white and black. When I’ve experienced some traumatic event, it affects your brain. So when similar pain shows up, because their brain remembers, then again, that hypersensitivity comes up.

I really didn’t know I was black, and that my value was diminished, until after I came to the US. So I started questioning, you know, why are people looking at me this way, and treating me this way, and telling me to shut up and being asked: why do you think you have the right to think the way you do? That was a question I was coming at me, just being me.

It wasn’t a culture that looked at me as a dude, you’re black and you don’t speak American English, the way that we speak English here. So you must be the other, you must be coming from somewhere. Not only they are black woman, and you are an immigrant. So a friend of mine actually asked me once, when I was like talking about this thing, the sense of a community where everybody belongs – she asked “but you are not from here” she said, and she’s a good friend of mine.

“I’m here now. So I should be treated like I belong here.” She’s like, “No, you then come from here. So you don’t have the right to come here and demand that you be treated equally.”

But I don’t see myself like that. Because I grew up in a village where when people show up, we treat them equally, we treat them like a human being, we will treat anybody, we don’t segregate them. When  white people in my village are treated  like people.

So those are the pain in the white and white, black and white relationship. Again, we have to consider helping what happened in the past. And what are those traumas that we carry with us? And what does those post traumatic experiences that continue to persist in our culture. Because when we see one another, there’s all these things brain teasers that are wrong.

Beth Tener

Kile, that just sounds so hard. I mean, if we really want to experience a village where feels they can belong — that mindset that if you’re not from here, originally, you can never belong. We just have to evolve beyond that. I also think about it in terms of the times we’re in with climate change, and natural disasters, and all the disruptions that are ahead: we are going to have to learn to welcome the stranger, because every one of us could be the stranger, out of a home suddenly. That is such an important shift that needs to be made.

One of the stories I know you’ve talked about before that I’d love you to share is your experience working in healthcare. You worked in the field for a while here in New Hampshire and trained up to become a nurse. I know you ran into racism in those environments. I’ve heard some of those stories. And it’s really hard to hear.

I remember you telling me a story of a co worker, that opened your eyes to what was going on, but also showed up in a different way. I think we need these stories of how can the white person step up and change the patterns of exclusion.

Kile Adumene

I have been in the medical field for over 20 years, I have been traumatized due to racism in several instances. It was to the point that every time I walk into a medical facility, I’m like, “Okay, what am I going to encounter today?” Just trying to make a living, right? The toxicity and the squeezing of who I am.

A friend of mine who happens to white said “Without you, this company will collapse, you put everything within you into the work.” She asked “How much do they pay you?”

I said, this is how much they paid me. She said “What?”

So she, who wasn’t putting so much into the work, was getting paid more than me! And she has to advocate, she said, “You need to go to tell them, because this is how much they pay me. And I don’t even do half as much as you do here. And I don’t care, mention that I said this to you.”

As she showed me her paycheck. For real. I went to advocate. Thank goodness for her, the white girl, standing up for me. And I went and I said, “you know, I am the right hand person to this company, I have this work ethic that when they sign a contract, and I’m going do my work, I do my work. I don’t cut corners. And I realize that I’m not being valued. I’m not being paid. Folks who don’t do as much as I do get paid more than I do.”

And the person said “oh, no, that’s not happening.”

“Um, I don’t just open my mouth to say something without knowing what I’m talking about. I do know what I’m talking about. And just to let you know, the folks that you’re paying that much have told me and they showed me their paycheck.”

And the person that “Oh, no, that’s not true.”

So I said, “that’s fine. On that note, because now I feel not valued. I’m quitting right now.”

So when you see people quit their job, like black people, we move from job to job. What made somebody quit? Like in that case, just that extra piece of information, give me a sense of not being valued, because of the color of my skin not because of my work skill, my work ethic. You’re just using me, and but not valuing me.

So living through that people carry some of these traumatic memories with them, as you navigate life. And I think, coming from an outside into the system, when folks like neighbor, black people, you know, we see all this stereotype of angry black folks. In that case, if I didn’t control my emotion, neighbor will say “she just came in here. She’s so angry. Now these black people are angry.”

So what is in the weed? What is causing black women to be angry?

That’s the thing. So there are so much untold stories of people living life. And so let’s acknowledge that there’s so much that people don’t share. It is not written on their foreheads as we navigate live on the street. That’s why it’s also important to get to know one another.

When we build that connection with each other, we create that village around ourselves, we’ll have more opportunity to get to listen to each other and get to know each other’s experiences and understand how different our experiences are navigating the same system.

Beth Tener

That’s so important. And listening to the stories. And taking this time. I think you said the word forbear earlier. But this quality of steadfast and staying in the relationship over time, feels just so important as well.

Kile Adumene

Yes and the allyship, like the my coworker who stepped in and gave me the document. She took the risk. She took a risk of losing her own job to advocate for me. That collectiveness of really working and making sure that every one of us is supported, and is given what they need, and is valued. It will take a whole lot of time until we get to that place of that collective care, that we really pay attention to how which every one of us is being treated.

I think the black and white thing, do everybody have the right to opt out? “Oh, I don’t care. It’s not affecting me. I can live my life living in my bubble.” I describe some of this as a bubble. If you grew up rich, you have everything handed down to you. Why would you care about somebody who don’t have the same experience? It is going to take another extra step of really getting out of your bubble of “I’m fine, it’s not affecting me” to really go care about those being affected. So breaking out of all those bubbles that have kept us away from each other, from caring for each other, to really break out.

Of course, you don’t have to. That is the truth. You can live in your bubble until you die, you go wherever you go. But I think we want to encourage breaking out of those bubbles.

Because in the US what I’ve seen, there’s all these bubbles for safety because people are trying to create that village. So we end up being in bubbles, the white bubbles, the black bubbles, the ethnic groups, all these pockets of affinity groups, which is fine, people need support.

Beth Tener

You need a home base in your bubble. And this is the time of how do we build the bubbles?

And make a bigger bubble. How can we create a ground where we don’t need to feel so guarded and have the need for such safety and fear of the other? That’s the bigger question. Right?

Kile Adumene

Exactly. We have to break out the bubbles by having that collective care and living love with each other. Because I don’t want people to just break out of bubbles without having the right environment and  the support that they need. So that is the work of MCAC, we’re trying to like encourage people to break out the bubbles, and we’re holding this space where we can grow the what needs to be – that collective care.

Beth Tener

That is a lot of what I’ve done as well and I found that as I host gatherings and meetings and community events where you give people a chance to get into meaningful conversation with people or do good work, like you have a program with tutoring students. People are actually hungry for it. It’s so easy once you do start to experience conversation and connection with people who aren’t in your bubble. Most of the time people like take right to it. It’s not that hard. It’s just that we have allowed and certainly media and so much of the pace of life and the physical structures of segregation, have moved us out of that. So that’s the work ahead is to create more spaces like MCAC, that allow that to happen.

I want to thank you so much for this conversation. It’s been really wonderful to talk with you and hear your perspectives. And I wish you all the best with MCAC. And we’ll put in the show notes tell people can learn more about your organization and support it.